Let Me just begin by saying that today is Day 25. I have had many cravings and of course the obsession is palpable. I’ll explain in a separate post later.
My AA meetings are going well. I’ve noticed that the majority of those in AA have all ended a marriage over this terrible mental illness. My wife has threatened it on many occasions as an ultimatum to get Me to stop. She’s a unicorn and I don’t deserve her. Today is day 25 and she has been treating Me differently. She’s gotten warmer to the touch. I feel the tension bubble between us decimate a little more with each day of sobriety.. I feel more at peace within Myself. It’s getting a little easier to live in My own skin. I find Myself laughing at My own jokes. I say clever things, just to make her laugh. She has a pretty mouth. A couple of days ago, she took Me on a surprise date to see ‘The Nutcracker’ (ballet). The icing on the cake was that she even splurged for Valet parking- in advance! I love opulence.
Example: My mother telling Me that she would like to go back to the restaurant that basically, “took me by my hand, like a Kardashian, and sat us immediately with no wait”. Her words not Mine. It was a Friday night and a 55 min wait- FYI.
One thing that I want you to know,insert your name here, that even though I have lied and did My best to hide My alcoholism from My wife… I am deeply madly in love with her. I knew she was special the moment I first met her. She’s even more amazing today. I was only deceiving her because I thought I was protecting her from “Lincoln” (My alter EGO). My normal self, “Pailey”, deserves her.
I have heard other perpetrators in AA bluntly say that they “chose alcohol over their spouses”. I would never ever want to be apart from My wife ever. However, if I get into some kind of trouble with the law and it being alcohol related, I would be taking Myself away from her. Picking up that first drink is making a conscious decision to possibly be apart from her. Whether I wake up and remember it or not. Because I am powerless over it.
I don’t want to die or ruin My life or lives over this mental illness. This illness has always been more of an obsession of Mine. Another thing about Me is that I am extremely loyal and demand the same from others. No one is allowed to hurt Me but Me. Nothing like a good self-flogging paired with an extra creamy blue cheese and a perfectly sliced Gala apple. I love a great charcuterie board. Remember the movie, “The Number 23”? (Google it) Well that’s how I feel when I don’t drink. Eventually the obsession of drinking becomes too vexatious that I finally give in just to make it stop. Day 1-10 are arduous.
I wonder if My AA cronies had the same soulmate kinda love that I have for My wife with their spouses? Or were they just a little too incompatible that they kinda used the waves of alcohol to push them off the sandy beach onto the vast liquids of courage seeking another island? A Columbus complex, I’ll name it. I don’t ever want to not be with My wife. There is no one more deserving of Me when I am at My best than her. In a way I owe it to her since she has remained by My side during this most difficult time in My life. Our life. When I am sober, that is when I am “good enough” for her.
I have made a sincere commitment to sobriety,for Me, firstly. However, she is the prize. Her love is My life goal. Keeping her happy and safe guarding her heart, drives Me to be better than who I was yesterday. The “Stone” is My addiction. The “Sword” is Me. Pinned. Others have tried to come and free it, but Lincoln remained undefeated. My wife, Queen Artemis (Arthur), grabbed hold of My alluring hilt and gave Me some of her power. Just enough strength so that I could free Myself from this fortified prison “Lincoln” has fabricated. At last, a bit of reprieve from this death sentence. I wish not to be a repeated offender of this illness. Therefore, I choose to never surrender. It’s a daily battle, but I have Lincoln’s manuscript. An alternate ending is in the making.
This de novo is dedicated to the love of My life, Queen Artemis.
Inside My Head 